After months of therapy to move past a mental block with the express goal of preserving the state of my mental health — I’m back to square one, in a single breath. I am struggling with how to resolve a life long difficult situation. While the younger version of myself would love nothing more than to sweep it all away under a rug or a bridge or moving train and just completely let go, the adult me who has an intense aversion to drama and ongoing unnecessary conflict, wants nothing to do with any of it. The adult me wants happiness and love and laughter and joy. Not, weekends filled with drinking and reminiscing of times that were not happy. Not gossiping and discussing old hurts.
So, what do I do? While one part of me just wants to be done and believed I had the respect and understanding of several people (even my therapist) that it was okay to just be done, now, I’m told that I cannot be done. I’m part of the problem. What problem? Whose problem?
See, that’s where I find myself lost and confused and feeling tormented. I cannot truly recall anything I intentionally (or unintentionally) did to provoke, cause, or deserve any of the treatment I have received over the past several decades to reach this level of conflict/drama/heartache.
That does not mean I feel like I am perfect. I know I am not perfect, in fact, I know I am far from it. Am I always a nice person? No. Though as a whole, I do believe I am a good person and I always do my best to think about what I am going to say before I say it, or take actions. Though where that is concerned, I have struggled over the years with swift reactions that could have been handled much better had I cooled my jets, first. Lessons learned, right? So, here we are and I’ve been in therapy to do just that. In therapy where I discovered, I did not need to react or respond to a situation if I did not feel it was in my best interest when considering my health.
Now, I am back to square one. Where the sad reality is that even if (or when) I do confront this, the end result is likely not going to be what everyone wants. Why? Because if it is not good for me, my heart, my mental health, my happiness, my life, my sanity…….it simply cannot happen. All of my life I have always fought with everything in my being to keep the peace in my family, for the sake of everyone else. I’m not sacrificing myself any longer to benefit others.
I think I have earned the right to put myself first.